Telly on Telly: O'er Hills and Dale

I just don't get it. Last week everyone from Patrick Conn to Perez Hilton was absolutely baffled by The Hills. People have been all abuzz about LC's nail polish, Audrina's lack of a job, "and did you know that they don't even live in the apartment anymore?" I only have one thing to say to all these people who are completely dumbfounded with the construction of MTV's best reality program:

NO DUH!

The first clue (and this was in the first episode people!) was that the month The Hills premiered on MTV Lauren Conrad herself, the newly hired intern at Teen Vogue, graced the cover of that same mag. Ummmm.... I don't know about you, but where I come from lowly interns are not covergirls. Correct me if you know otherwise.

OF COURSE IT'S FAKE! Everything from the places they eat to the jobs they have, from the clubs they party at to the people they meet is constructed by the producers. Let's take, for instance, the arrival of Brody and Spencer on the scene. These yokels (fresh from their canceled attempt at reality stardom The Princes of Malibu) just happen to become friends with Lauren and Heidi and weasel their way into the realm of celebreality? Uh uh. They have agents too...

I did an interesting thing last month. Having just admitted that I enjoy The Hills but never having seen Laguna Beach, I decided to watch the first two seasons. I did not watch to be entertained, however. I watched with an analytical eye and let me tell you, the structure is very much there. It's pretty much blinding when you look for it. You should try it: go back and watch these shows. Imagine if MTV came to your highschool and selected the most interesting and beautiful creatures to be filmed. I'm sure it would more than resemble Laguna.

The brilliance, though, in all these shows (I include The Hills, LB, Maui Fever and 8th & Ocean in the same category) is that, unlike traditional reality programs, they do not feature any confessionals. Never once does LC break the fourth wall and explain to us what she's thinking. There's no recognition from any of these hacks that they're being filmed! And this ultimately streamlines the narrative of the show, so that Lauren Conrad is no longer some girl from Orange County who's an aspiring fashion designer, she's LC, former roommate of Heidi, ex-girlfriend of Jason, just another piece of the narrative puzzle. They're characters now, not people.

Where is The Hills going to go from here? Now that the secret's out what will happen to the livelihood of the show? Will we still watch? Has it lost it's appeal? Do we care what happens now that we know it's not actually happening?

In a related/unrelated point, I want to clear the air and let you know what "team" I'm on. You know how it is - Team Heidi, Team Lauren, the wildcard Team Audrina... To be honest, I don't really care all that much. All I know is Lauren was hurt and Heidi and Spencer are worthless. I know Audrina's not a true friend and to be honest, I can't spend too much time thinking about (or spending time with) any of these people. So, from this day forward I form TEAM LO - for all those who throw sass, and only stop in every couple of weeks for the party, for those of us who've know LC from the beginning and stick around because we love her, and (most importantly) for those who judge harshly without hesitation or concern for feelings. Long live LO!

What team are YOU on?

In conclusion I am going to leave you with my true feelings: At the end of the day, I don't really like The Hills...

I love it.