I Think I'm Lost: Deus Ex Machina

I did something that I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I watched season one of LOST again. Well it was actually just one episode, and a damn good one at that. It’s the John Locke episode with the one and only Swoosie Kurtz as his fur clad estranged mother.

I noticed a few weeks ago that ABC has been playing season one at 1:30 late Saturday night/early Sunday mornings (I had just finished SNL). This week I decided I would treat myself to a bit of perspective and watch an old episode. The info on the cable told me it would be “Fire + Water” the episode where Charlie tries to drown baby Aaron. Turns out it was “Deus Ex Machina,” an entirely important episode in the lineage of LOST.

I had been against re-watching LOST since I began watching it. I wanted to rely on my memory (and, yes, lostpedia) to piece this mystery together. I didn’t want to delve into the past of the show for fear of it tainting with my perception of its present (ha!).

I forgot that LOST has always played with time. It constantly shines light on its characters from all angles of their existence and I forgot how mysteriously the past spoke to the present during the show’s first two seasons.

Turns out it’s a hell of a lot of fun to watch this show knowing (part of) its fate. It’s almost like watching the episodes from this side of the looking glass, where the past, present and future all dance around each other.

Right now I’m watching John Locke get swindled by Anthony Cooper aka Sawyer (who as we all know swindled the parents of our beloved James Ford aka Sawyer) and knowing the fate of this terrible and despicable man is so pleasing. And without realizing it the first time around, this dynamic between John and his father is still perfectly relevant in the grand scheme of the show; looking back on it did not make it seem superfluous, minuscule or unimportant. The flashback remains a valuable tool in the narrative.

The true joy of watching this early episode was its present. It has everything to do with what it was like a mere handful of days after these people crashed on the island. It was a really new time. I mean, Boone is there and Kate and Sawyer and Jack (who is relied upon constantly for medical advice) and Michael and Jin all live together and Sun has her garden and a thick Korean accent. I was filled with joy revisiting early life on the island. It’s pure nostalgia for the present.

This is the episode where Boone gets into the plane! (“Theresa falls up the stairs, Theresa falls down the stairs…”) Pivotal, really. His death not only marks the first departure of a regular cast member but also ushers in the birth of Aaron, who goes on to become quite a controversial character (hello, he’s part of the Island Dynasty). This is also where the show becomes dangerous in a way - the first time a character’s life is compromised by another’s.

This is also the EXACT episode I was watching (alone in the middle of the night on the couch at La Condesa) when I decided I needed to keep a journal. The journal ended up being mostly exclamations, quotations and questions rather than fully-formed thoughts. Here is the (short) entry for this episode:

Poor Boone, I don’t want him to go.
Who’s to say what’s right or wrong anymore? It depends on who you trust and what you’ve done.
“Don’t tell me what I can’t do!”
Boone… is this it?

I am personally shocked that I did not reference this episode's end in my LOST journal. What an ending!! After discovering he has lost the feeling in his newly reanimated legs, getting rudeboxed by his fake father and his REAL mother, coercing Boone deep into the jungle (only for Boone to get rudeboxed by a Nigerian priest’s drug plane falling off a cliff), dragging said Boone all the way back to camp with numb toes and shrapnel in his calf and then stealing away in the night, John Locke pounds on the eye-shaped hatch’s window. This is the first time we can see – the hatch is a giant eye, the window its pupil. He curses the island for misleading him, curses himself for believing things were getting better. Then the light goes on. Have all his prayers been answered? Is he on the right path? Was Boone’s accident in vain? And what the fuck is this light?!...LOST

Like, Really Designer Sunglasses

"Just like high definition revolutionized TV, HD lenses enhance your vision and produce unsurpassed clarity and optical definition and when you see the color and clarity you will truly be amazed!"

Open Text to Patrick Conn: Biggest Loser

Was in awe of what can only be called an Official Trainer Bob Meltdown on last night's Biggest Loser. I've never seen our boy like this. It's bigger than when we discovered that he's the mean one on BL:Australia

Open Text to Katie Clark: Melrose II

It's getting truly crazy. I think Alison may have been raped by her father! Everybody hates Sydney (which is sad) because she is ACTUALLY clinically insane and is now running the high class hooker biz while the bosslady is in the slammer! And Kimberly's is just waiting in the wings to rudebox them all!! I'm going to send you the box set when I'm done, but only if you promise to watch.

Open Text to Katie Clark: Melrose

I don't know when it happened but Melrose is officially nuts! Remember Jo's reunion buddy? Well, he stole Jo, Jake and Amanda's money, kidnapped Jo and locked her in the storage box on his boat that he uses to traffic drugs into Mexico for TWO DAYS. Jo rudeboxed him with a shotgun shot to the gut. And that was just over two episodes!!

I miss you.

Merry Xmas

Dear Readers,

I hope this finds you warm and snuggly, with all the ones you love. Enjoy the day and have some fun.

Much love,
The Ultimate T.J. Kous

PS. What did Santa bring you?? My parents took me to the next level by getting me my very first Tom Ford. It's a bottle of cologne, and I love it!!

The Chinese Roger Lodge

My old pal at Room 907 has found himself at a crossroads of sorts. The once and future ad man may be taking a hiatus from the biz for a stint in the entertainment industry. Blessed with good looks and natural charm 907 has rightfully boasted his charismatic abilities in front of the camera despite his lack of experience.

He came across this ad in the Shanghai City Weekend. Could it be a competition reality show or a will it be a Real World style sit-about? Will they ship him off to a strange island for some RW/RR-type stunt fare or will he be locked up Big Brother style with some crazy folks from anywhere in the Western World!?

Well not just one but two television opportunities fell upon the unemployed Canadian boy in China. The studio is looking for a young charming Western personality to host a new show featuring engaged Chinese couples with a desire to wed in exotic international locations. Who's going to lead them through these global nuptial adventures? You guessed it - Ol' PConnzo!

Kudos on these prospects P. I'm pulling for you!

Big Excitement

Everyone's favorite multi-wived family is finally back - after over a year! Yesssssssss!

Tandi Iman Dupree

Sometimes being Gayer-Than-Gay is the absolute best thing in the world! Shit gets super crazy around the 4 minute mark.



ps. Best entrance ever?! Methinks so!

Telly on Telly: Top Titles

The Ultimate T.J. Kous has compiled for you his Top 11 picks for Best Opening Title Sequence. Enjoy!

11. Avatar: The Last Airbender

It's always best when an opening sequence can sum up the integral plot points for you so that you don't have to tell new viewers about it. It's great! You can just let the well-crafted words and artistry speak for themselves. Avatar is a perfect example of this. Also, the last line of this one gives me goosebumps every time!



10. The Girls Next Door

I remember this great scene in this Japanese movie I watched in college, Ikiru I think, where these drunken ladies were in the back of a taxi singing "Come On-a My House" in terribly broken English. I love that song, it's so classy. Add bobble-headed animation, exotic birds and Hugh Hefner and you've got yourself a title sequence.



9. Gossip Girl

So often simplicity is key. I love the little whispers that accompany this one. And of course one of the greatest catchphrases in contemporary television. xo xo.



8. Nip/Tuck

Many nights were spent in dark rooms watching what I think to be the most outrageous show in history. Although it's not a scary show watching Nip/Tuck in the dark is so undoubtedly haunting and I think it's because of this sequence. This song can keep you up at night.



7. Big Love

HBO's new signature show is definitely one of my top ten of all time. I've always loved how it was able to make something so abnormal and unfamiliar seem like the most honorable and normal way of living life. We can see that in the intro: you've got the Beach Boys, ice skating, laundry - all completely comprehensible and accessible (dare I say) "American" things. But then you mix in two too many ladies, the ice begins to crack, and in there amongst the sheets lines begin to blur, we can't really tell who's where and what's going on. But don't worry, we return to normalcy by the end....when they have family dinner on a tiny far-off planet in some unknown solar system....



6. Ugly Betty

This one always brings a smile to my face. The cheery, upbeat music, the simple concept. I love how it comes right at the end of the first act, too, right when they drop some sort of plot bomb. Also, to this day, I love how after seeing each part of it individually throughout the shuffle Betty's mug is still so surprising huge and ugly in the end. Gets me every time.



5. Melrose Place

Some have accused me of having a "1994 fetish." How can you blame me?! The hair! The clothes! The GUITAR RIFFS!! Hearing that first swanky chord of this number always takes me back to my childhood years, sitting down with my mom and my sisters to watch another one of their "adult programs." God bless the 1990s! (note: sorry for leaving out Amanda Woodward. this sequence is from before Heather Locklear's 6 year stint as a "special guest star.")



4. Neon Genesis Evangelion

Also a relic from my days studying Japanese culture this is perhaps one of the best songs I don't know the meaning of. At about the halfway point the imagery is powerful and fast moving. Try and see if you can figure out the plot of this short-lived anime series by just watching the credits. I bet you can't!



3. LOST

When it comes down to it, LOST is just scary. Horrifying, really. Some of you may know that I watched the entire first two seasons in a couple of nights. Sitting there, sleep deprived, not knowing when the last episode ended and this one began, the darkness would surround me and all I could see in the blackness was a distant word in white, eerily floating towards me momentarily coming into focus as the dissonant music swelled. At that moment, actively watching this title for what felt like the first time ever all I could think was, 'This is what it must feel like to go insane - you just float through the abyss as giant, abstract words drift past you.' Creepy.



2. The Golden Girls

Sometimes it's all about the music. Other times it's all about Bea Arthur biting her fist, Betty White being hurled into a closet, Rue McClanahan strutting in a night gown and eyemask and the beautiful Miami skyline. These are images I'll NEVER forget.



1. Six Feet Under

I think this speaks for itself. Utterly beautiful.



Well there you have it! My top 11 (I know, I just couldn't make any cuts!) Hope you enjoyed them. Did I leave any of your favorites out?? Be sure to let me know.

But first, before I go I want to share some honorable mentions. Here, dear reader, are my choices for the best NEW opening title sequences from this year's fall lineup:

True Blood

At first it seemed strange and a little alienating, but - oh boy - does this song ever grow on you! The whole sequence captures the desperate, underground nature of the show - I'm simultaneously disgusted and intrigued by these images. Just remember - God Hates Fangs!



Fringe

Again, this is a simple one, not too long, but the music is delightful and the concept speaks to the high school scientist of my past. Some might think it's hokey to be so explicit about the fringe science, with the floating words and all, but I like it. Every time I see it I get something new, and isn't that what it's all about when it comes to main titles?